My Movie Review: Vampire's Suck

My Movie Review: Vampire's Suck
0/5

Opening Statement: From writer/ directing team of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the same assholes who brought us Epic Movie, Date Movie, Disaster Movie. Comes Vampire's Suck which aims its parodies at the recent media fads mainly Twilight.


What's Good: Absolutely Nothing.


What's Bad: Now I understand my job as a film critic I am suppost to critique the film. Which means pointing out its faults, praising what is good, and offering suggestion on how it could've been better. Well there is nothing good About Vampire's Suck. There is no ambition to make this film better than the recent bombs, the jokes are basically the same, just more annoying than the others. I am apart of the group that would love to see Twilight fans get knocked down a couple of pegs. However, not even Twilight deserves this fault. Actually, I take that back the Twilight saga is so much better than (excuse my language) this piece of shit! The team behind Twilight shouldn't bat an eye at this parody. Seltzer and Friedberg are now just being jerks, making money on audiences who don't know better, and being complete assholes. I tried to eat a sandwich while watching this, I couldn't do it. Why? Because this film is so grotesque. I wanted to turn this off more and more after every joke. I knew I couldn't critique it until I saw the whole thing though. 
          It is said that with the Fight and Flight response of the brain we run from things that put us in danger. Sometimes we get super human strength. Well, if someone were to tie me to a chair and try to make me watch this I would develop super human strength and bust free. I honestly fear for Seltzer and Friedberg's safety, people are going to kick their asses if they keep releasing these films. Once again my job is a critique is not to spew negativity but to offer suggestions. I suggest to Seltzer and Friedberg to find another job and to stop scamming the unknowing tweens out there. They are going to hell for this movie, not even Jesus has enough power to save them now. 


The Rant: Pretty much covered above, even if as a critic I am assigned to watch these movies ever again...I won't.


Consensus: Vampire's Suck is the worst of the worst. Seltzer and Friedberg make Ed Wood look like Steven Spielberg. I now feel the need to do everything in my power to stop people from seeing this movie. Stop your friends from seeing it, get the word out!